Peanut Corp thinks dead rats and peanut butter are two great tastes…

…that taste great together, kids.

Dead rodents, rodent excrement and bird feathers found at facility

Hey, remember when they first found out that Peanut Corporation of America had poisoned hundreds of people and ruined the entire peanut industry of the United States by selling salmonella-tainted-peanut-everything to all of us shit-eating American consumers, and I pointed out that while I imagined some sort of Dickensonian nightmare was going on in their Georgia facility I was sure I was overreacting and the place at least looked clean?

Well, it turns out that even my pessimistic, spiteful rantings give too much credit to murderous criminals like PCA, and it turns out that when I call us “shit-eating Americans” I’m speaking literally.

Guess what, kiddos? Peanut Corporation owns a plant in Texas as well! And it’s a little nastier than the Georgia facility, at least according to the Texas State Health Service officials who raided it today after deciding it posed an “immediate and serious threat to human life or health.”

Hey, another plant! Who woulda thunk it? Evidently not our government regulators since the damn thing has been operating unlicensed and uninspected for four years.

Sweet. Michael Phelps can’t escape Big Brother (or Uncle Interwebs, as I like to call him) for one night to smoke a little Dagobah Green, yet a company that churns out $17.5 million a year in ground-up nuts found in at LEAST 2,000 products (because that’s how many have been recalled so far) can somehow operating a friggin’ processing plant for years without anyone noticing?

Good thing al Qaeda never thought to fly into Plainview Texas and dump a few bags of death dust in the vats, eh?

I guess that’s kind of a moot point, though, given there’s plenty of death bacteria in them thar vats already:

Texas health officials ordered the recall Thursday of peanut products from a plant operated by the company at the center of a national salmonella outbreak, days after tests indicated the likely presence of the bacteria there. All products ever shipped from the Peanut Corp. of America plant in Plainview were recalled after the Texas Department of State Health Services said it found dead rodents, rodent excrement and bird feathers in a crawl space above a production area on Wednesday.

I guess some neat freak felt that all the dead animals in the walls and shit dropping out of the ceiling might have been responsible for salmonella being found in this “phantom plant” just like it was in Georgia. Whatever. I mean, who cares about a little dead rotting animal flesh in our food, and bird and rat shit actually contains important vitamins from grain.

And anyway, we all know now that these evil bitches have been willing to kill us all for years, so I’m sure this kind of news is going to become increasingly commonplace, Our crack(smokin) government investigative teams will find new proof points of Stewart Parnell’s eventual damnation every day for the next few weeks at least…now that it’s too late.

I’m already getting tired of this sordid mess, and just keep writing about it to capture web traffic, to be honest.

But this whole new twist is making me ponder two important questions:

1. I want to know whether the rodents or the birds are winning the territorial war for that prime “over-the-nut-tub” real estate in the crawlspaces, and whether Michael Vick is involved somehow.
2. So there’s dead animals and feces all around the food processing equipment in the unlicensed Texas plant. Yet this one is the clean one, right? I mean, it was the Georgia plant that started killing America’s peanut-lovin’ public first. So what do you think they’ll find in the Georgia plant once they clean that puppy out? A sacred Indian burial latrine?
   

   
   I’ll tell you what. I will send whomever posts the comment that most closely predicts the foulest thing that will be uncovered in the ongoing peanut fiasco over the next two months a 5 pound bag of peanuts!
   

   
   Organic, locally-produced and unprocessed peanuts, that is! Yeah, you know what I mean - SHITLESS PEANUTS!!! Think about it, all you shy people I see reading my drivel but who aren’t registering and commenting on it…this is a good deal! Five pounds of unpoisoned peanuts are going to be worth more than Chase Manhattan Bank by the time April 15 rolls around.

   So if you want to have any chance at all of being able to slurp on The Fishwrapper’s salty nuts, you better start posting some comments, people! Register! I promise I’m not going to bite, and I’m not going to sell your email addresses or start sending you “Buy a Snuggie” emails, either.

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