Has Leon Lott been smoking Michael Phelps’ bong?

The national hysteria over Michael Phelps bong rip makes me confused. But the hypocrisy of it makes me mad.

You already know the story, so let’s detail just the hypocrisy, and who owns each part of it. I’ll give everyone a score, measured in Fish Slaps.

1 Fish Slap

The tabloid in England that published the photo

These guys didn’t actually do anything hypocritical at all. They’re just a scumbag fishwrap tabloid in the UK, and like all of them they acted in a totally sleazy way. They get a Fish Slap just because we all want to give them one for destroying what’s left of culture and society. They deserve it anyway, because if it wasn’t for them none of this would even have been an issue in the first place. You get Fish Slapped, Biatches, because I say you can!

Excellent Bass

The local police

These guys called it like it was. A non-story, a non-issue, and a completely media-manufactured circus that wasn’t worth their time because they’ve got real crimes to solve, folks. Well done, cops. These guys even maintained their position today, after the arrests. Stick it to the sheriff, men in blue. You get a Bass-o-matic shake to go with your donuts, for being reasonable and focused on society’s actual problems. I wonder what would happen to violent crime rates if everyone acted like you.

5 Fish Slaps, Bitch!

Tank-drivin, Olympian-Smackin Sheriff Leon Lott

OK, first of all, how big is this guy’s penis envy? Just look at him in front of that tank, “The Peacemaker”. Is that what his wife calls it?  Anyway, he’s a hypocritical fool. Evidently he decided that the local cops’ decision to protect and serve the public, rather than the tabloids, was a greater assault on his manhood than whatever happened to him as a kid that made him buy that tank. So he decides if the men in blue won’t go after Big Michael Phelps, he will. A spokesman for the Richland County, SC sheriff’s department stated on Feb 3 that “The bottom line is, if [Michael Phelps] broke the law, and he did it in Richland County, he’s going to be charged. And there’s no difference between Michael Phelps and several other people that we arrest for the same type of a charge everyday.”

So how are they going to do this? Well, as of today, it’s by arresting everyone else from the party in question EXCEPT for Michael Phelps. Nicely done, cornhole. Does your wife let you pretend The Peacemaker is a real substitute as well? And never mind, of course, the fact that this is a total BS charge that can’t possibly successfully prosecuted. What have you got here? A picture of some kids smoking something out of a bong. Woo hoo!

Gold Medal Fish Slap

Sporting Culture and Organizations

Let’s see, the great guardians of our children’s drug chastity, USA Swimming, have now suspended Michael Phelps for three months. He’s lost a decent chunk of change from Kellogg’s being too scared to have a, shhhh, potential reefer smoker, representin’ the fine young youth of America. After all, there is a picture of some sort out there even if there has been no burden of proof and never will be. Good ol’ A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez), on the other hand, has publicly admitted taking steroids for three years and lying about it, and he has been punished by….absolutely nothing. The Washington Post has a good article about this. (It’s subscriber-only, but just register. The Post ain’t a half-bad rag…it’s certainly better than what you’re reading now.)

The fact is, there’s a hell of a lot wrong with our priorities if some kid who has just proven himself the best athlete that’s ever existed gets nailed this way for smokin’ a little spliff, while a long-time abuser of a much more serious drug who did it explicitly to cheat at what he gets paid for gets away with it. I’ll tell you what, if Michael Phelps can light up and still outswim the rest of the world with his left nut, all the more reason to be impressed. If my kids turn out to be Olympic athletes, I don’t think I’ll be too worried about the health consequences for them if they end up bubblin’ a hookah one night at a party. When your kids’ nuts fall off after they ‘roid it through high school, we’ll see who’s laughing then.

1 Fish Slap

Big Michael Phelps and his friends

Michael, you get a Fish Slap today. Not for smoking a little pot. Not for enjoying yourself and relaxing a bit after you spent your entire life dedicated to swimming, and by osmosis dedicated to making every fat, lazy loser in America feel like they had accomplished something too in the sick, fangirlish way that we invest more of ourselves in celebrities than we do in ourselves. No, you get a Fish Slap for choosing such crappy friends. Selling your picture to a tabloid? Trying to sell the freakin’ BONG on eBay for 100 grand? Dude, I know you’re kind of a shut-in because you spend all your time in a pool, but you gotta get some better friends, my man. You can always hang out with the Fishwrapper, of course, if you want to be seen with a higher caliber of individual. You bring the weed.

But who really deserves the Mega Fish Slap? You do.

It’s you, America, that really deserves a stinky rotten dead fish slap. You’re the ones responsible for this whole mess. First of all, you’re so scared of marijuana that you force law enforcement into some Keystone Kops-like farce as they bend over backwards to try to overprosecute what really are very minor offenses.

Secondly, this whole ‘Oh-my-god-an-Olympian-is-neither-Ozzie-nor-Harriett’ bong picture massacre says a lot about the la-la-land world you try to live in. You know what? Michael Phelps is a kid. Lots of kids smoke pot. It’s not like he’s dealing crack on the street corner.

Was it the smartest thing to light up at a party? No. Can you make an argument that it’s not the healthiest thing in the world to smoke pot? Yes. But I’ll say it again - the second you can outswim Phelps’ left nut, then you have a right to start bitching about how he handles his health.

And if you’re worried about the example Michael is setting for the little kiddies you do so much to protect and shield from all of those negative things out there that other people call “life”, just try to set yourself down and calm your racing heart for a moment. (May I suggest a nice joint to relax? Just a joke…) The fact is, if your kids model themselves after Michael Phelps, and learn the disclipline to spend 12 hours a day training in a pool, dedicating their entire lives to a single great task, honing their bodies and temperaments into an Olympics-busting machine…guess what? If they smoke off a water pipe once in a while, they aren’t going to end up in county jail the next day. (Well, at least as long as they don’t live in South Carolina…)

Third, your constant ache to destroy the celebrities you create is what allows for a situation like the above to develop. Maybe you should ask yourself why you need to make people into superhuman gods one day, and then throw them down in the gutter the next. To me, that sounds like trying to make yourself feel like less of a pathetic loser by showing you can tear down the gods themselves. Maybe you all have a bit of “The Peacemaker Syndrome” in you too?

Look, the poor kid just wanted to hang out and listen to Dark Side of the Moon….now he’s got some freakshow with a tank chasing him.

Do you really feel better now?

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